Monday, January 14, 2008


This is rather how I'm feeling lately.

Do you ever feel like you really don't belong anywhere? Sigh...

Hmmmm.... feelings I hate:

I hate feeling like I'm being tolerated rather than liked. How do you know?
I hate feeling that I'm a pest, even if I am.
I hate that I can't just trust that maybe someone might actually like me.
Again, how do you know?
I hate that I don't know what to do most of the time lately. I thought I had all this settled so long ago... I hate feeling unsettled and uncertain so often.
I hate that I know lots of people, but hardly anyone comes to my house. Yea, it's messy. I know that isn't the reason, since someone would have to be here to know that. LOL. I mean how many people do I really invite? I'm not really upset with anyone over it. I just feel isolated sometimes.
I hate it when I feel like I overstayed my welcome. I need clear good-byes and I never feel like I have the timing quite right.
I hate that I feel like crying for no reason whatsoever - usually a good sign that my hormones have gone completely whacko. Hopefully, this too, shall pass.
I really hate feeling patronized.
I hate feeling stupid - a feeling I have a real struggle with lately.

I love feeling accepted, and sometimes a little guilty that it's important.

O.K. so that's out of the way... for Christians, do you ever wonder if anyone really is making it at all out there - or even coming close? I'd love to know since it would give me hope. I know people will always let me down. God doesn't, but I want to see people really making it - whatever that means.

American Dream has been on my mind a lot...
This ain't my American Dream
I want to live and die for bigger things

I just don't know what or how. God, please show me.


P.S. I know this is risky to post, but maybe someone else can relate


Allison said...

I think almost everyone has felt this same way at one time or another! I know it's a constant struggle to live a life of excellence, too! Justin and I both find ourselves wondering what we should be or could be doing to make our lives count. My pastor said this week, that no one can become Christ, but we want our "what could have beens" to be as few as possible when we die. Just remember that Jesus was not accepted by all, and was rejected by many...but He never lost sight of what was right. I hope that you have a blessed week! I'll be praying for you...

Brittany said...

I get this way a lotttttt

most people do get in this mode from time to time..

It's completely normal.. :)

I like you. I always have.. :D

AJ said...

Dear are sooo loved! Before you even knew Him, He pursued you & He continues to pursue you unceasingly with His everlasting love for you...and there is nothing that can ever separate you from His love. He rejoices over you with singing & He desires to comfort your aching heart with His gentle presence. He fashioned you with great care..He loves everything about you. He says you are His crown..more precious than rubies. He thinks of you with tender mercies & you could never count all His thoughts towards you..they are more than every grain of sand in the world! You are accepted in the beloved & you are His bride~cherished & honored & longed for by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! :) He is counting the days until He can return for you, His love, and carry you home...the place He has lovingly prepared just for you.

Sweet Melanie, you are not alone...these are thoughts & feelings we all share--especially as Christians. It seems the closer we get to the heart of God & fully surrender our lives to be used by Him, the more the enemy of our souls is out to devour & discourage us with thoughts and lies to bring us down and paralyze us. But, remember that God will use ALL things for your good! :)I have never even met you, but I have read of all the encouraging words & gracious kindness He has poured through you onto all these blogs & into all of our hearts. You ARE doing a grand & awesome work of God by being you~by being honest & sharing your strengths & struggles, that others could see that they are not alone. I think that often times we go through times of great loneliness & brokenness because God so longs to speak His song of love into our hearts. I know, in my own life, He has had to take away many relationships & comforts that I was used to leaning on, so He could teach me more about trusting Him; to see at an even more intimate level that He will be faithful to fulfill my every need; that He really is the comforter of our souls. I'm not saying that we don't need relationships & friendships, but God seems to have seasons of 'aloneness/solitude' for those He desires to draw even closer to His heart and use in a mighty way to bring others to God's heart...Moses, David...Melanie! :) It's like we have to go through the pain and receive God's comfort before we can truly give it out to those He will place in our path. I know you know all this already. I just wanted to say thank you for being real & for taking the time to reach out to sooo many. I am sure you are encouraging many young women out there(me included)!! :)

May God draw you ever close to His heart...may you be sooo close to hear Him sing you a new song of His tender love to you! :)

"For the Lamb who is in the midst of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Melanie said...

Wow... thank you. :)

Andrea said...

I relate soo much!
yeah.. I dont even have friends here. *sniff*

u r not hte only one so no worries.