Friday, February 01, 2008

Depression, etc.

This is a repost from my myspace blog last night. First I'd like to preface it with a few things the most important of which is that I am feeling a bit better today. I do have bouts with depression, probably hormonal most of the time, but not always. Usually something will trigger it, and the physical part will just last a bit longer than the emotional. Fortunately I can usually tell the difference, and for that reason it usually doesn't last long. I consider that a real gift. Secondly, I love my husband. He is still my best friend, but I don't think any one person will be able to meet every need I have. In fact, only God can do that in reality. Some of us just want more intimacy with more people than others. The feelings that I mention here are real and I still struggle with them. I want to be someone who's transparent, warts and all, although sometimes it can get complicated. LOL I figure I'm not the only one muddling through this life, and I am muddling a lot lately. LOL

Oh, I made both phone calls. The first one I stuttered like crazy trying to say what I wanted to say, left out some key info., but still went well overall so far and since I was able to follow up via e-mail, I think it will work out just fine. The other I left a message because the person was out. --Melanie

"Wow, this is the second time this month I've felt kinda down and rather isolated. The feeling down isn't so great, but I'm sure that will quickly pass. It usually does. What is bugging me most, I think, is that I really don't have anyone close to me. I need that. I mean my spouse, of course, but there are some things that we don't share much - like my love of concerts or my faith. We talk about it, but it's not something he is as passionate about as I am.

He's not very socially oriented, and I am. So, we have no couple friends. No one comes to my house for dinner. I go out with friends after church for lunch sometimes, but then I don't see them again until next Sunday. I love most of them dearly, and I fit there better than I've ever fit anywhere else, but that's all there is.

I like a lot of the artists I meet, and some I've seen for years now. But I'm still just a fan. I understand that, I honestly do, but it still makes me a little sad. I guess if I didn't like any of them it would be different. But I do.

People elsewhere have their own lives and families. I do some volunteer stuff, but I am on the inside, but not on the inside, if that makes sense. So, I feel like I'm on the outskirts of every relationship I'm in now, and I want more than that. And I still feel like I'm mostly an anomoly that everyone just tolerates. I guess that's all selfish, huh? But I can't help feeling that way. I will talk myself out of this eventually, and prayer helps. I'm just tired.

Then there's other things I can't blog about publicly. It just kinda piled up on me tonight. Everytime I think things are about to fall into order, disorder is right there behind it to knock me down. I just want to catch up, but can't get started; or when I start I am only treading water. I'm not lazy. When I have a specific task to do, I work hard. But I am overwhelmed.

Don't get me wrong.. I am very, very grateful for what I've had, for the opportunities I have been given. If I had no sorrow, the joys would somehow probably just be taken for granted. But I'm feeling sorta lonely and isolated tonight, and buried. Pray that I come up for air.

God's blessings to all,

Melanie

P.S. I know it's not the most important thing out there, but would love to have some prayer for tomorrow if you are the praying sort. I need to make a couple of presentations over the phone, and I am horrible at that sort of thing. I am very nervous about it, and the depression isn't helping!"

3 comments:

Andrea said...

ahh Im sorry that you have been depressed. Lately I havnt been like that just kind of stressed cuz im planning on moving out from my moms place and then theres school and I have to pay for it and all. ANyhow.. Ill pray for you. I understand what it feels like not to have cloose friends. I don't have here.

Melanie said...

Thanks you are very sweet. I will likewise pray for you. :)

AJ said...

melanie, i am praying for you girl. you are not alone. one of the most fundamental innate desires that God has created in each of us is the longing for relationship, connection, intimacy. after all, His greatest longing is for an intimate relationship with us. i think you expressed your desire so well & God is hearing your heart's requests. i am praying for His comfort upon you & His leading to more relationships in your life. perhaps in a small bible/home study group, a women's study maybe through your church, and a christian group that supports artists could allow you to receive some more of the fellowship that you are hungering for. love & hugs to you sweet sister in Christ... :)

"In my distress I called upon the Lord,
And cried out to my God;
He heard my voice from His temple,
And my cry came before Him, even to His ears" (Psalm 18:6).