Thursday, April 26, 2007

Who I Am Instead?

I have been in a deep "funk" for the last 2 or 3 days at least. I can't tell if it's simply that I don't feel well, since I don't, and more physically based, or if there is something more going on. I suspect it's a little of each. Whatever it is, I can't seem to shake it.

Last night I went home from work sick. I was a bit achy, and there was some pressure in my head. It wasn't painful, it was just there, and it was making me feel like I just wanted to just lay on the floor and sleep. I couldn't concentrate, so I finally left. I felt bad about leaving, but I didn't want to try and stay and end up unable to drive home. I went to bed about 15 minutes after getting home, and woke up about 1:30 a.m. which is just about the time I should have arrived home ordinarily. I stayed in bed another 45 minutes or so and finally got up. I still feel tire, and still depressed. I can't shake it.

Does anyone else feel like they aren't really good at anything? I'm not a particularly gifted data entry person. I'm not really that great a photographer (trust me, I see all the originals, you only see some of the better ones.) I'm not a good housekeeper. I used to be, but I can't seem to get anything back under control anymore. I want to be an encourager, but most of the time I feel more like a nuisance. And my walk with God leaves much to be desired. I want it back, and can't quite get it there as it should be. I can't leave myself behind enough most of the time.

So, this is the real me. I'm tired. Sometimes I envy Rip Van Winkle. A 30 year sleep doesn't sound so bad, except then I'd wake up and I'd still be me.

Hope you all are faring better.

God's blessings,

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