finding the center

This is a work in progress. It's started.. not sure how I will finish it. Maybe I won't. I'm better at starting things than ending them sometimes. LOL

I mentioned to my pastor that I always remembered his birthday because it was so close to mine. It just goes to show you how self-centered I can be. Sigh.... it's funny how small our universe seems sometimes no matter how huge, and how huge it can seem when it is so small. I'm not sure that will make sense to anyone but me. LOL
The same with the concept I'm working on, but here goes:

Swirling stars find freedom with perfect design
no need to find the center
every particle in place in sublime beauty
An ant in the cosmos trying to be a giant
shrinking from the bigger picture, too self focused
Who is at the center when God should be
Oh to lose oneself in the stars, and in their creator
to be free from oneself and find in the true center
the liberty that perfect order brings

Love Many, Trust Few?

I was on myspace a night or two ago and someone had the following posted:

Love Many
Trust Few

My first instinct was to believe that this was a wonderful citation, and one with much truth in it; and in fact, it is the reality of this world we live in. We are forced to love within the constraints of reality at times. :(

On the other hand another question came to my mind -
how can you love completely and freely without trust?

I am pretty much a person that tries her best to trust until given a reason to do otherwise. Once that trust is violated, it is a bit of a road to earn it back. Given the sinful nature of man, and the real world, I suppose that is how it has to be for this day, but it's really sad.

How much more easily and freely we could love if we could trust. How much more unhindered would love be if we could live without cynicism.

And while I was pondering the implications of this and thinking about what it means to truly love, it also struck me that fear hinders our ability to love freely as well. I suppose the distrust that we have has some basis in fear (real or imagined)
and fear hinders love. Perhaps that is why perfect love casts out fear. The two have a difficult time co-existing. With perfect love (the kind only that God gives or inspires) fear must be cast out or love will be swallowed up by it. To be without fear, one cannot be self-centered or motivated. Fear has, at it's root, concern for one's own self. Love that would be perfect would be without fear which makes one free to just love without reservation.

That is the sort of love I long to experience. It is the love I hope that others can experience as well.

God's blessings,
Melanie

Note: Hopefully, I didn't go in too many circles there. Lord help me to be free to just love you, and through you love others without fear.

Today I cried for someone I don't even know...

I am sitting here feeling rather melancholy already. A migraine has started, I think. I spent the last two hours asking myself if this is really a migraine and should I take something for it or wait and see. I hate taking meds. So the debate goes on.

I'm trying to figure out the details of my trip to California, and it's all a jumble in my mind. I have so much to do that inertia has all but set in. I have items that are too large for the suitcase. The dishes should be done (well, maybe a torch to the house would solve the problem - and yes that was intended sarcasm) and a scrapbook to finish up, though it's nearly complete. Everywhere some little detail stops me and I freeze until the minutes tick on by and become hours. I'm excited and nervous, but I can't feel motivated. Inside I want to panic and move, but outwardly, I'm stuck.

I am also very tired. I actually left work early on a Friday night using sick leave. I tried very hard to stay, but I was falling asleep. My rates were falling and I would wonder what I just typed on the page - checking and rechecking and hoping I wasn't doing anything really outlandish. (In case you are wondering, I am a data transcriber.) My stomach hasn't been right for about a week and a half now, but I'm rather afraid to go in again. I just had a gastroscopy a few months back, and I don't really want another. So I wonder what can they really do? I'm sure exhaustion plays a part in my current mood and perhaps even with the other problems as well.

So, in my current state of inertia, I decided to check on a few blogs I frequent. First I read Zach's blog again. I keep reading his last blog trying to sort through it and still remaining speechless afterwards. His blog seems somehow "lost" and today that's pretty much how I feel. I'm sorting through things in a way that I thought one should have mastered by the time they left adolescence. Things that used to seem clear somehow don't anymore. I haven't really lost my faith or beliefs. Those are intact. What I have difficulty sorting through is where those fit in and why I have such a hard time being anything but the fallen human being that I am. And who else, besides God, can I trust anyway? I used to be so trustworthy and dependable, and I feel so much less capable of both trustworthiness and dependability. I used to be relatively out of debt, and now I'm not. So, my plan seems to be to just give up and go with it. Sometimes it seems the harder I try the worse it gets.

None of that matters really, in the long run, except I want to be responsible, I want to be charitable, I want to be liked (sometimes too much) ... I think there are too many "I's" in that sentence. LOL

So, then I went to see if Jon had posted any new blogs without any real expectations.
Instead he had posted two. The first one I read just hit me. Casey of Hawthorne Heights had passed away. I hadn't heard. It was really eerie. I didn't really know him. We hadn't met, but I had seem him play in concert on two occasions. The first was in Las Vegas at the Nintendo Fusion Tour. The second was at the Boise Warped Tour. I didn't know him, but I cried. Sometimes I think it's easier to cry when I don't know someone too well. When I know them too well, I go into survivor mode. I know a LOT about grief and grieving, but I can't seem to apply it to myself. But Casey's death made me cry. I feel sad that we never met, and never will. I feel sad that his family must really be reeling along with all of the guys in Hawthorne Heights. I can't even imagine what they must be feeling and I'm not sure it would be healthy to even try, but my heart goes out the them all.

So, I sit in the middle of this mess that is me at the moment, and cry for someone I didn't really know and hope he is at peace. But in the midst of my current mish mash of emotion, I still really do know that there is God that loves me, although as usual I can't figure out why; and I grieve for those who try to sort through it all without that hope.

Life is not always easy. I don't think anyone, not even God, ever promised that it would be. I am my own worst enemy. I make too many bad choices. But I have hope. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

I think now would be a good time to make a list of all the things I am thankful for. God really has blessed me. If I am miserable now, it is mostly of my own making.

My hope for all who read is that you will find peace with God, peace with yourself, and be thankful for what you have. It's so easy to be distracted and miss these things altogether.

--Melanie

A little slice of my life - What it's like

Last night, or should I say this morning, I managed to leave work somewhere in the vicinity of 1 a.m. I worked 6.3 hours of overtime, and 2 hours of credit. Credit basically means I can use it as time off at a later date in lieu of annual leave (aka vacation time.) I knew it would be a bit of a long night with little sleep because I desperately needed some groceries, dog food, etc., which meant a trip to Wal Mart. By the time I completed my shopping trip, it had to be after 3 a.m. I still had to unload everything, put at least the majority of it away, wind down enough to sleep and let the dogs in to calm down before putting them in their crates. Before I would finally lay my head on the pillow it was around 6:30 a.m. That is all well and good if one does not plan to get up at 9:30 and be to church at 10 a.m. I am very blessed that it only takes about 10 min. to get to church, and we often don't start promptly. Yes, I fit right in there. :)

So, I made it to church this morning somewhere in the vicinity of 10 a.m. and music and worship had already started. I found a seat about 4 rows back and joined in. We sang, the announcements were made, and the pastor acknowledged Dennis and Sandy Zech and let us know that they would be performing their acts of illusion for us at 4 p.m. Dennis and Sandy come to our church about once a year and they are always a welcome sight to me. Dennis has a killer sense of humor, and I consider him the king of the "groaners". He can also imitate cartoon characters. I always appreciate what they have to say Dennis and Sandy, not the cartoon characters ;), and I enjoy the presentation as well. So, while I had planned to shovel the gifts the dogs love to leave me in the backyard this afternoon, seeing Dennis and Sandy seemed a great deal more appealing. :) I saw Sandy and chatted a little bit and purchased a really cool bracelet to support their ministry. I stayed a little after church to chat, and while I was waiting someone showed up with a bounce house that was being brought in for the kids. Then I finally headed for home with a pit stop to Smith's to buy some salad fixings for the big event. I knew I needed to make sure my camera was ready as I planned to take lots of photos.

At 4 p.m. I went back to church. I saw an old friend I hadn't seen in a while, ate a barbequed hamburger, salad and some wonderul fruit salads as well. I took a lot of pics as planned. There were games for the children, and some fun relay races with water. No matter how far away I stood, though, my camera and I still ended up dodging the spray. Fortunately, my camera and I both survived. The kids were adorable and fun. Then the big kids (aka the men and dads) got involved in the water fun and lets just say we had a lot of men at the event looking a little like drowned rats for a while. But they did have fun! I watched.

Finally, it was time to see Dennis and Sandy, and I was not disappointed. Dennis and Sandy were funny, entertaining and informative as they always are. One of the main messages that they get across with their illusions is the concept of deception and how one knows if they are being deceived. There is a specific "trick" that they perform where they show how it is done and ask if you can ever be fooled by it again and of course the response is "no". Why not? "Because now you know the truth."


When things began to wind down I was going to call my daughter because we were supposed to go out to dinner and look at her financial situation. I had my cell phone in the car to charge because it was dying. Just when I was thinking I might sneak away I was approached to see if I could get a pic with Sandy talking to the crowd. I said I would try. By the time I finished and got back to the phone it was a bit late, so I ended up meeting my daughter for dessert instead. We discussed her financial situation which seems somewhat hopeless at the moment. Somehow there has to be a way through it all, but I'm not quite sure what it is yet.

Just as we were finishing our dessert the waitress came to our table and said the man in the corner with a bandana wanted to pick up our tab. I wasn't quite sure what to say. That was certainly a first for me. LOL My daughter said, sure. It was very nice, although a little awkward. It felt really weird to leave without paying. LOL We acknowledged him and said thank you, but didn't really go all the way over to his table since he was with a group of people anyway, and I really was speechless (a rare thing.)

So, I headed for home and here I am, blogging, downloading and uploading photos and catchcing myself from falling out of my chair when I start to doze off.

A day in my life.

Peace out,
Melanie

The Mountains Declare

Here in Northern Utah there is a wonderful view of the mountains. Everyday as I travel to work, I can look ahead and the view is often quite breathtaking, at least when it isn't interrupted by road crews working.

AT any rate, when I see the mountains and their beauty, it's easy to praise God. However, as I was driving a while back, it just really struck me how the mountains themselves are a snapshot of God and his creation, and a testament to who he is.

God is majestic, beautiful, strong, powerful. Likewise, his Creation of the mountains there is great majesty and beauty, strength and power. Everything about the mountains scream a testimony to God and who He is. Yet, even the mountains would move if he just gave the word.

Praise God.

--Melanie