I am sitting here feeling rather melancholy already. A migraine has started, I think. I spent the last two hours asking myself if this is really a migraine and should I take something for it or wait and see. I hate taking meds. So the debate goes on.
I'm trying to figure out the details of my trip to California, and it's all a jumble in my mind. I have so much to do that inertia has all but set in. I have items that are too large for the suitcase. The dishes should be done (well, maybe a torch to the house would solve the problem - and yes that was intended sarcasm) and a scrapbook to finish up, though it's nearly complete. Everywhere some little detail stops me and I freeze until the minutes tick on by and become hours. I'm excited and nervous, but I can't feel motivated. Inside I want to panic and move, but outwardly, I'm stuck.
I am also very tired. I actually left work early on a Friday night using sick leave. I tried very hard to stay, but I was falling asleep. My rates were falling and I would wonder what I just typed on the page - checking and rechecking and hoping I wasn't doing anything really outlandish. (In case you are wondering, I am a data transcriber.) My stomach hasn't been right for about a week and a half now, but I'm rather afraid to go in again. I just had a gastroscopy a few months back, and I don't really want another. So I wonder what can they really do? I'm sure exhaustion plays a part in my current mood and perhaps even with the other problems as well.
So, in my current state of inertia, I decided to check on a few blogs I frequent. First I read Zach's blog again. I keep reading his last blog trying to sort through it and still remaining speechless afterwards. His blog seems somehow "lost" and today that's pretty much how I feel. I'm sorting through things in a way that I thought one should have mastered by the time they left adolescence. Things that used to seem clear somehow don't anymore. I haven't really lost my faith or beliefs. Those are intact. What I have difficulty sorting through is where those fit in and why I have such a hard time being anything but the fallen human being that I am. And who else, besides God, can I trust anyway? I used to be so trustworthy and dependable, and I feel so much less capable of both trustworthiness and dependability. I used to be relatively out of debt, and now I'm not. So, my plan seems to be to just give up and go with it. Sometimes it seems the harder I try the worse it gets.
None of that matters really, in the long run, except I want to be responsible, I want to be charitable, I want to be liked (sometimes too much) ... I think there are too many "I's" in that sentence. LOL
So, then I went to see if Jon had posted any new blogs without any real expectations.
Instead he had posted two. The first one I read just hit me. Casey of Hawthorne Heights had passed away. I hadn't heard. It was really eerie. I didn't really know him. We hadn't met, but I had seem him play in concert on two occasions. The first was in Las Vegas at the Nintendo Fusion Tour. The second was at the Boise Warped Tour. I didn't know him, but I cried. Sometimes I think it's easier to cry when I don't know someone too well. When I know them too well, I go into survivor mode. I know a LOT about grief and grieving, but I can't seem to apply it to myself. But Casey's death made me cry. I feel sad that we never met, and never will. I feel sad that his family must really be reeling along with all of the guys in Hawthorne Heights. I can't even imagine what they must be feeling and I'm not sure it would be healthy to even try, but my heart goes out the them all.
So, I sit in the middle of this mess that is me at the moment, and cry for someone I didn't really know and hope he is at peace. But in the midst of my current mish mash of emotion, I still really do know that there is God that loves me, although as usual I can't figure out why; and I grieve for those who try to sort through it all without that hope.
Life is not always easy. I don't think anyone, not even God, ever promised that it would be. I am my own worst enemy. I make too many bad choices. But I have hope. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.
I think now would be a good time to make a list of all the things I am thankful for. God really has blessed me. If I am miserable now, it is mostly of my own making.
My hope for all who read is that you will find peace with God, peace with yourself, and be thankful for what you have. It's so easy to be distracted and miss these things altogether.
--Melanie
