The problem with relationships is that they involve people?

While I ponder how best to recap this evening's concert with Mae, I thought I'd post something I wrote for my myspace blog:

Every now and again I get the urge to "discuss" relationships on my blog. Lucky for you, today is one of those days. ;)

My spouse and I have been married almost 32 years, and when I mention this fact to others it nearly always seems to elicit expressions of amazement. Sometimes it does seem like we’ve survived each other this long against all odds. I like being around people, and if I’m not then I’m on the computer communicating in some way, shape or form and/or listening to music or reading. I’m a very people-oriented person. My husband hates crowds and avoids them whenever possible. He would rather sit in front of the tv with his remote. If he wants, he can fall asleep to the noise and no one cares. He would be happy living in a remote corner of the world with no one to bother him. I like touching, hugs and physical expression. He is more aloof. He is very mechanically-oriented. I clearly don’t share that gift. I am bad about forgetting and misplacing things. He rarely does (although that’s changing in recent years - breaks my heart. LOL) In many ways, we are total opposites, yet we manage to work things out. For one thing, I don’t think anyone else would put up with him (and vice versa, if the truth be told.) There is every reason that our relationship should not have worked. Studies show that couples that live together fare more poorly than those that don’t and we lived together 11 months before getting married. Stats also show that couples that know each other 3-5 years have the most successful marriages - more than 5 years and the stats look a little bleaker as more than 5 years is generally an indication of committment issues. Obviously there are exceptions and we are proof of that. My husband and I knew each other barely over a year before we tied the knot. So, why are we still here?

It seems to me that those who have difficulty with relationships often fall into one of several camps. Some people want a relationship so bad that they will fall hard for anyone that seems to fit the bill, and when it isn’t healthy they will try to make it work just the same. They will even try to remake the person if that’s what it takes. So, they go from one bad relationship to another. They fall for what seems romantic or good to them at the time and never stop to think about what they really have to give to a relationship nor do they pay attention to warning flags.

The other extreme is a fear to commit at all. Sometimes people just have unrealistic expectations. They are waiting for their "perfect" partner. What if I "settle" for this person and "that" person is out there? The problem is that there is no such thing as perfect when people are involved. You cannot base a relationship totally on anyone else’s model completely as no two people (and consequently no two couples) are exactly alike.

Most of us have seen people with a seemingly perfect relationship and it’s hard not to want what they have. But if you know someone with a good relationship, and you really stop to take a look, you will see that they have that good relationship because they actually work at it. Yes, relationships are work!! They cannot be neglected and survive well. I would also maintain that no matter how close you think you are to another couple, I can guarantee that you don’t know everything about them or their relationshp. It might actually be kinda creepy if you did. ;)

What it boils down to is that some people just have unrealistic expectations. If you spend your time looking for the relationship someone else has, you will never find it. If you look for someone who is exactly "perfect" you will be looking a long time. Any two people can make a relationship or marriage work IF they both want to. What it really takes is committment. My pastor once said that a person was ready for that committment when they could think about someone besides themselves. And I believe he was exactly right.

Is it love without risk? Absolutely not! But few things worth having come too easy. There is an old saw that goes, "It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Whoever first coined that phrase was wise indeed. The person who avoids love to avoid pain never gets to experience the best part of living.

So, I’m looking at 32 years of marriage, with all of it’s ups and downs, and I can honestly say I’m glad I haven’t spent it alone. My husband and I are both so far from perfect it’s laughable. But we are committed (perhaps in more ways than one?) and love follows. It’s hard to truly imagine being with anyone else who knows me like he does and I hope he feels the same. If not, well, I love him anyway. ;) LOL

I’d say here’s to 32 more years, but still trying to decide if I want to be THAT old. LOL

Love, peace and God’s blessings,

Melanie

Love Many, Trust Few?

I was on myspace a night or two ago and someone had the following posted:

Love Many
Trust Few

My first instinct was to believe that this was a wonderful citation, and one with much truth in it; and in fact, it is the reality of this world we live in. We are forced to love within the constraints of reality at times. :(

On the other hand another question came to my mind -
how can you love completely and freely without trust?

I am pretty much a person that tries her best to trust until given a reason to do otherwise. Once that trust is violated, it is a bit of a road to earn it back. Given the sinful nature of man, and the real world, I suppose that is how it has to be for this day, but it's really sad.

How much more easily and freely we could love if we could trust. How much more unhindered would love be if we could live without cynicism.

And while I was pondering the implications of this and thinking about what it means to truly love, it also struck me that fear hinders our ability to love freely as well. I suppose the distrust that we have has some basis in fear (real or imagined)
and fear hinders love. Perhaps that is why perfect love casts out fear. The two have a difficult time co-existing. With perfect love (the kind only that God gives or inspires) fear must be cast out or love will be swallowed up by it. To be without fear, one cannot be self-centered or motivated. Fear has, at it's root, concern for one's own self. Love that would be perfect would be without fear which makes one free to just love without reservation.

That is the sort of love I long to experience. It is the love I hope that others can experience as well.

God's blessings,
Melanie

Note: Hopefully, I didn't go in too many circles there. Lord help me to be free to just love you, and through you love others without fear.

Leftover Questions

On Sunday I had the privilige of seeing Todd Agnew on the Better Questions Tour. One of the things that Todd talked about was not just seeing the poor (others, really, the poor was a notable example) as them and not us, so to speak. This has been on my mind a lot. I've been poor before. Most likely I will be that way again, especially if anything happens to my dear spouse (a fact which I really hate, I would much rather think about grieving his loss than I would how in the world I will survive without his financial contributions.)

At the Mute Math concert I saw a lot of people who probably were wearing their houses on their backs. Sometimes I wish I knew the appropriate response. Giving money is not something I feel I should do, although I admit to giving a dollar to a guy who brought out an instrument and started to play recently. He really was good and I took his photo, so I felt he earned it no matter how it ended up being spent. But I want so much to do something. I made one guy really mad at me in SF for telling him I didn't have anything (I actually was at a stoplight and he told me where I was), when I had $3 sitting there. In all honesty, I just thought I had a few dollars in my wallet, in my purse and not at all accessible, but then I realized it was sitting out there.

Anyway, I don't want to lie to people about money, but I don't want to give it out indiscriminately, either. In fact, there was a rather inebriated fellow outside the venue after Mute Math's show that approached us. He was so intoxicated that when he spoke there was almost no volume. I don't think he realized this, although people would say, "what" and strain to hear. He also spoke Spanish, of which I speak very little (much to my sadness, I wish I was better at learning foreign languages.) Fortunately, two others were there to tell him "lo siento" and that they had no money (I could understand that much.) LOL I tried to think of what I would say, and thought that I did have money, but didn't want to lie. I think this creates more questions than answers for me sometimes. I really don't like to be dishonest, and I hate being patronized, so I hate to do that to others... but sometimes what can you do?

I was thinking about this in terms of loving. I'm not sure how I would want to be treated if I were drunk on the street. Quite possibly I'd just want another drink. I know I used to talk to people outside abortion clinics years ago in Sacramento. One guy said he used to play with a known band and now he was being stupid on the street, although he wasn't at least totally wasted at that moment. He seemed to have a few regrets about it... so I just asked him what he was going to do about it. He said, "about what?" and I replied, "About being stupid on the street." I think I'll always remember that conversation. There has to be ways to be honest without being brutal. I can't remember if he asked for money. He most likely did.

On another occasion, this guy stopped a friend and I and asked us for money because he was going to jail and he wanted a beer. (I believe alcohol was involved in the reason he was going to jail in the first place.) We had a funny and very candid banter with him about it. He left in good spirits, still trying to get at least a quarter, and not finding any resolution. I wish there was so easy an honesty in every instance. You have to at least appreciate honest drunks. :) (Wait, is that a pc term?)

Someone wise mentioned that we shouldn't give money to the homeless and that it was the worst thing we could do. This really brought to mind the time that a woman (not homeless, I think she was in board and care) would approach every Saturday morning and say she wanted money for coffee. Invariably someone would go over and buy her a coffee. One morning someone gave her money for coffee, and someone else apparently gave her more money than she needed for coffee, so instead of coffee, she bought alcohol, came back, turned on them, and got almost violent. They learned their lesson, and it reinforced things in my mind as well. At the time another wise man said that he kept coupon books for fast food rather than giving money, he would give those to people instead. I liked the idea, but with the "cards" it's a little more difficult to do; and one never knows where they will be or if that place will be nearby.

At any rate, this has been going through my mind a lot lately. How do you best love the unloveable? I don't feel like they are so different from me. Sometimes I'm not so loveable myself. All I know it is that sometimes it takes personal involvement, but even that can be tricky and I've had to be extricated from those situations on occasion as well.

So, what is a girl to do?

Anyway, just wondering how others handle such dilemmas.

--Melanie

P.S. On a happier note, the Mute Math concert was breathtaking. It really was. I am still in awe over their performance. I'll post something about that most likely this evening. Boy, am I chatty lately?

Spare Change - Respect & Relationships

This is my response to AJ regarding Respecting husbands. I thought I'd go ahead and share it here.

The title is my feeble attempt at humor. LOL

BTW, Ed hasn't come up with his response yet.

"I've been giving a little bit of thought to what you said about respect. First of all I don't think you can or should divorce the concept of a woman respecting her husband from the verses that come before it and follow it. We are all (Christians) to submit to one another in a previous passage.
The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. In that context, submitting, allowing the husband authority and looking up to them is not really such a difficult task. It's not that I can't make it difficult sometimes, I most certainly do. The way it should work is that the husband has the final say, and the wife honors that BUT, the husband is going to fully consider (while submitting to God) how it will affect her, what is in her best interest (not his own) and what she wants. If not, how would he be loving her as commanded as well. If any part of this is not right, the apple cart is rather upset, so to speak. It basically boils down to doing nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit and considering the other better than yourself.

I do think we are still to look up to our husbands and appreciate them. We should recognize what they do. We should not belittle them.
I can't say I've never been guilty of violating this, but I strive to improve. I know that I had allowed myself to get so thoroughly stressed before we moved up here, that I probably wasn't such a nice person for my husband to be around. I appreciate so much that he didn't quit on me.

But what I loved about your comment to me is that I had never thought to ask my husband what I could do to respect him. He has said he will think about it. That was my reaction as well.. to think about it.

Anyway, I can tell you that I was out last night promoting Mute Math's upcoming concert here. I know that sometimes it seems bothers my husband if he is at home and ends up eating a can of soup, and then I go out to fast food and have a burger. It doesn't seem right to him, and it probably isn't. He wouldn't necessarily think I shouldn't go, however. So, last night I got home late and I called to see if he had eaten and if he wanted me to pick something up. He said he'd had some soup, and nothing sounded good. In the end, I opted not to stop and get anything for myself since he had to eat what was here that should be good enough for me. So I told him that I came home and had soup for dinner and why. He seemed to appreciate it. It isn't that he wanted to deny me, but he appreciated that I was concerned and acted out of respect. It's the closest story I can think of. I hope it makes sense.

I will let you know what Ed has to say about respect when he comes up with a response.

God's blessings,
Melanie"

P.S. I think the reason this can be such an issue for me is that it is so discouraging to see Christian marriages dissolve when I can stay married to a non-Christian (and yes, I love him dearly.) Shouldn't it be easier to commit when you both know Christ? I know being a Christian doesn't mean we become perfect all of a sudden - at least in practice, but why so many Christian divorces? It shouldn't be! Anyway, I was making scrapbook pages for Sanctus Real, and their song "Don't Give Up on Love" came to my mind. I so appreciated it. It's completely spot on.
This isn't to beat up on someone who is a Christian because their marriage has already failed. It's water under the bridge so to speak. Something to think about for those struggling now, I hope, or who plan to marry later.

I think my next rant will be about happiness. LOL

Family, Life and Love

It's been a long week and at times very bitter sweet. I have had the opportunity to see my family and all of my siblings together at the same time, which is a rare occurence. There are 6 of us altogether, and I am the oldest of the whole crazy bunch. I saw my son, who I don't get to see to terribly often, either. My mom and dad (who have been divorced since I was 19) were there as well. So, I was so grateful to get to see everyone.
I'm not really sure how much to share on a myspace blog. Suffice it to say that my step dad is not doing well, and is home with hospice care. He and my mom renewed their vows because it was something he wanted. It was supposed to happen at the end of August, but there were concerns that it would be too late, so it was moved to July 1. My mom flew everyone who lived further away out to be there, and that included me. I left Saturday morning after working until 1 a.m. and then came back Monday with plans to work at 4:30 p.m. as usual. I was pretty tired to say the least.
I tried to work, but it wasn't going well. I kept falling asleep while trying to type, then I'd have to recheck the document because I couldn't even recall what I had typed. It wasn't good. Then I was having intestinal problems as well. I came home about halfway through the night, and tried to sleep. At about 12:30 a.m., I woke up sick. So now I'm trying to figure out if I've recovered enough to go back to work, but I know it isn't going to look good if I stay home just before the holiday. :( I'll probably go in.
Anyway, it was an interesting weekend. All but a few of my nieces and nephews are pretty much grown up now and some have thier own families. I was able to see some of the kids I haven't seen in a while, or have never seen. It's something I really hate missing. Kids grow up so very fast.
My family is a bit of a microcosm of the whole of mankind, I think. We have every sort of person, trial, and joy all balled into one. I think it's because there are so many of us. We are having to watch someone die, my niece wasn't able to be there because she had a baby girl, two babies are growing and waiting to make their appearance - life and death, liberals, conservatives, people celebrating 30 plus years together, some divorced, single moms, single with no children, and married with kids. And we all love each other. As my step dad said in one of his more lucid moments... loving each other is what's important.
Tell someone you love them today. The day goes by too quickly.
--Melanie