The problem with relationships is that they involve people?

While I ponder how best to recap this evening's concert with Mae, I thought I'd post something I wrote for my myspace blog:

Every now and again I get the urge to "discuss" relationships on my blog. Lucky for you, today is one of those days. ;)

My spouse and I have been married almost 32 years, and when I mention this fact to others it nearly always seems to elicit expressions of amazement. Sometimes it does seem like we’ve survived each other this long against all odds. I like being around people, and if I’m not then I’m on the computer communicating in some way, shape or form and/or listening to music or reading. I’m a very people-oriented person. My husband hates crowds and avoids them whenever possible. He would rather sit in front of the tv with his remote. If he wants, he can fall asleep to the noise and no one cares. He would be happy living in a remote corner of the world with no one to bother him. I like touching, hugs and physical expression. He is more aloof. He is very mechanically-oriented. I clearly don’t share that gift. I am bad about forgetting and misplacing things. He rarely does (although that’s changing in recent years - breaks my heart. LOL) In many ways, we are total opposites, yet we manage to work things out. For one thing, I don’t think anyone else would put up with him (and vice versa, if the truth be told.) There is every reason that our relationship should not have worked. Studies show that couples that live together fare more poorly than those that don’t and we lived together 11 months before getting married. Stats also show that couples that know each other 3-5 years have the most successful marriages - more than 5 years and the stats look a little bleaker as more than 5 years is generally an indication of committment issues. Obviously there are exceptions and we are proof of that. My husband and I knew each other barely over a year before we tied the knot. So, why are we still here?

It seems to me that those who have difficulty with relationships often fall into one of several camps. Some people want a relationship so bad that they will fall hard for anyone that seems to fit the bill, and when it isn’t healthy they will try to make it work just the same. They will even try to remake the person if that’s what it takes. So, they go from one bad relationship to another. They fall for what seems romantic or good to them at the time and never stop to think about what they really have to give to a relationship nor do they pay attention to warning flags.

The other extreme is a fear to commit at all. Sometimes people just have unrealistic expectations. They are waiting for their "perfect" partner. What if I "settle" for this person and "that" person is out there? The problem is that there is no such thing as perfect when people are involved. You cannot base a relationship totally on anyone else’s model completely as no two people (and consequently no two couples) are exactly alike.

Most of us have seen people with a seemingly perfect relationship and it’s hard not to want what they have. But if you know someone with a good relationship, and you really stop to take a look, you will see that they have that good relationship because they actually work at it. Yes, relationships are work!! They cannot be neglected and survive well. I would also maintain that no matter how close you think you are to another couple, I can guarantee that you don’t know everything about them or their relationshp. It might actually be kinda creepy if you did. ;)

What it boils down to is that some people just have unrealistic expectations. If you spend your time looking for the relationship someone else has, you will never find it. If you look for someone who is exactly "perfect" you will be looking a long time. Any two people can make a relationship or marriage work IF they both want to. What it really takes is committment. My pastor once said that a person was ready for that committment when they could think about someone besides themselves. And I believe he was exactly right.

Is it love without risk? Absolutely not! But few things worth having come too easy. There is an old saw that goes, "It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Whoever first coined that phrase was wise indeed. The person who avoids love to avoid pain never gets to experience the best part of living.

So, I’m looking at 32 years of marriage, with all of it’s ups and downs, and I can honestly say I’m glad I haven’t spent it alone. My husband and I are both so far from perfect it’s laughable. But we are committed (perhaps in more ways than one?) and love follows. It’s hard to truly imagine being with anyone else who knows me like he does and I hope he feels the same. If not, well, I love him anyway. ;) LOL

I’d say here’s to 32 more years, but still trying to decide if I want to be THAT old. LOL

Love, peace and God’s blessings,

Melanie

Spare Change - Respect & Relationships

This is my response to AJ regarding Respecting husbands. I thought I'd go ahead and share it here.

The title is my feeble attempt at humor. LOL

BTW, Ed hasn't come up with his response yet.

"I've been giving a little bit of thought to what you said about respect. First of all I don't think you can or should divorce the concept of a woman respecting her husband from the verses that come before it and follow it. We are all (Christians) to submit to one another in a previous passage.
The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. In that context, submitting, allowing the husband authority and looking up to them is not really such a difficult task. It's not that I can't make it difficult sometimes, I most certainly do. The way it should work is that the husband has the final say, and the wife honors that BUT, the husband is going to fully consider (while submitting to God) how it will affect her, what is in her best interest (not his own) and what she wants. If not, how would he be loving her as commanded as well. If any part of this is not right, the apple cart is rather upset, so to speak. It basically boils down to doing nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit and considering the other better than yourself.

I do think we are still to look up to our husbands and appreciate them. We should recognize what they do. We should not belittle them.
I can't say I've never been guilty of violating this, but I strive to improve. I know that I had allowed myself to get so thoroughly stressed before we moved up here, that I probably wasn't such a nice person for my husband to be around. I appreciate so much that he didn't quit on me.

But what I loved about your comment to me is that I had never thought to ask my husband what I could do to respect him. He has said he will think about it. That was my reaction as well.. to think about it.

Anyway, I can tell you that I was out last night promoting Mute Math's upcoming concert here. I know that sometimes it seems bothers my husband if he is at home and ends up eating a can of soup, and then I go out to fast food and have a burger. It doesn't seem right to him, and it probably isn't. He wouldn't necessarily think I shouldn't go, however. So, last night I got home late and I called to see if he had eaten and if he wanted me to pick something up. He said he'd had some soup, and nothing sounded good. In the end, I opted not to stop and get anything for myself since he had to eat what was here that should be good enough for me. So I told him that I came home and had soup for dinner and why. He seemed to appreciate it. It isn't that he wanted to deny me, but he appreciated that I was concerned and acted out of respect. It's the closest story I can think of. I hope it makes sense.

I will let you know what Ed has to say about respect when he comes up with a response.

God's blessings,
Melanie"

P.S. I think the reason this can be such an issue for me is that it is so discouraging to see Christian marriages dissolve when I can stay married to a non-Christian (and yes, I love him dearly.) Shouldn't it be easier to commit when you both know Christ? I know being a Christian doesn't mean we become perfect all of a sudden - at least in practice, but why so many Christian divorces? It shouldn't be! Anyway, I was making scrapbook pages for Sanctus Real, and their song "Don't Give Up on Love" came to my mind. I so appreciated it. It's completely spot on.
This isn't to beat up on someone who is a Christian because their marriage has already failed. It's water under the bridge so to speak. Something to think about for those struggling now, I hope, or who plan to marry later.

I think my next rant will be about happiness. LOL