When I'm Alone

I'm sitting here at my computer desk ... alone, well, unless you count Mollie who's in the other room taking a siesta. Anyway, I started listening to Brandon Heath's
Song, "When I'm Alone" and there is a line in the song that really just touched me a whole lot.

You know, sometimes when you are alone, and you have these certain thoughts, you wonder if you are the only one who feels that way, and then someone like Brandon Heath sings this: "...but sometimes I get scared that somehow I'll cease to belong anywhere.." and you realize that this is where you are at, and that you really aren't the only one that feels that way.

I first heard of Brandon Heath when he was touring with Bebo Norman. I was working catering for that show. In fact, I am usually not the one that does the whole thing, but the people who usually planned everything were both back in New Orleans helping with the Hurricane Katrina clean up. So, I planned the meals, bought the food, and was in charge of preparation. So, I was a little dismayed when 6 days before the show I ended up sick. Of course, I worried... I was worried about making Mute Math sick as I fell ill just after their show. I consoled myself thinking that the show with Bebo was nearly a week away, and that as long as I wasn't running a fever or coughing I should be mostly over it by then. That was on Sept. 30. Fast forward to October 4, the day before the show. I coughed the entire night. I couldn't go, I couldn't not go. I had all the food. It was a disaster, but the funny thing is that this show had been bathed in prayer (I was praying desperately, and a few others had been praying as well) and I felt strangely calm. The meat in the freezer wasn't thawed out, so I had to do a cold water thaw before leaving. I downed more dextromethorphan (sp)than anyone should (yes, I did follow dosage recommendations, had a zillion cough drops and throat coat tea. Things went wrong, but they were all handled and with surprisingly little stress. I made way too much food (usually we also fed some of the people from the church, but things were more closed off for that particular show, and no one ate a lot, suprisingly), but the food was loved. I was worried the whole time about making others ill. I only had to go outside and cough one time which was miraculous. All of that long, involved story to say that I saw Brandon at the kitchen and warned him about my illness. His comment to me was that "he loved germs." LOL I've loved him ever since. :) Then when it was time for the show, Bebo introduced Brandon as the man with the "stupidly beautiful voice." I had to agree. CD's do not do his voice justice and he has an amazingly beautiful voice.

After the show, I was able to pose for photos with everyone. I followed the tour blogs, etc., for about a month and prayed no one would get sick. No one did. I was relieved. :) I did have bronchitis, but I did recover after a round of antibiotics. LOL

At any rate, I recommend the song. Here are the complete lyrics for anyone interested"

"When I'm alone, the faces they come and they go
I wonder if they think I've changed
I wish I could stay
and be where you are
The countries and cities so far
This is my dream and my gift
but sometimes I get
Scared that somehow I'll cease to belong anywhere
So I need you when it all starts to show
When I'm alone

When I'm alone
I sleep late, it's crazy I know
The world's only passing me by
I guess that is why
I'm tellin' you now
That I haven't figured it out
The depth of the things that I've missed
that leave me like this
Scared that somehow I'll cease to belong anywhere

So I need you
when it all starts to show
When I'm alone

Is it true that you can find me anytime
Cause I'm feeling like I'm there it's about that time
Cause I'm scared that somehow I'll cease to belong anywhere
So I need you
when it all starts to show
When I'm alone
When I'm alone
When I'm alone"

****

Hebrews: 13:5
"Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have ; for He Himself has said, "I WILL NEVER * DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER * FORSAKE YOU,"

Peace out,
Melanie

Tired of feeling...

I'm really kinda tired of feeling like I don't do anything well. There has to be something I can do that I'm really good at, except feeling like I don't fit anywhere. I'm fairly talented in that regard. I had a quality review come back from Friday. 3 errors... What that means is that they check 7 or 8 random documents (from one batch) and every document that has an error is counted against you. You could have 7 errors on one document, and it's one error. You can have 7 errors on 7 documents and it's 7 errors. You are theoretically supposed to get reviewed on 30 documents per pay period (7,8,7,8.) The last couple of weeks, I can't seem to get any sort of a good rate. I've only had one 100%. To be fully successful, we are supposed to be higher than 90%. I'm really struggling on this, and I have no idea why or what to do about it. I just feel like I can't do anything well, I can't quit (and I hate the thought of being a quitter) and I have no idea what else I can do.

I'm a bit nervous about my annual evaluation this year. Every year I've been fully successful, although last year, it wasn't by a lot in the quality department. I'm afraid my last couple of weeks will mean I'm not. It's unlikely I'll be fired, that practically takes an act of God where I work... that or criminal activity. But it does mean I will be even more trapped. It does affect my recall/release number, not that I am overly concerned about that most of the time (my job is seasonal.)

I was at work on Friday, I think, and I ran into someone I hadn't talked to in a while. So funny that we both feel exactly the same about work. Neither one of us is happy where we are. Neither one of us saw any thing else we wanted to do there.
But to go elsewhere would probably mean a significantly lower wage, benefits and less schedule flexibility. So we both at the same time said we felt trapped.

I think there was a certain release at that moment we both said that. I'd been thinking it a while. Now I still have no idea what to do about it. But there you have it. I admire people who can do what they love and survive doing it.

Even more I admire people that can put God first. I don't always do that so well, either. It's a good thing that the grace of God exists. There's no way I'd make it otherwise.

Anyway, prayers always welcome.